Healing from child sexual abuse
According to Laura Davis in Allies in Healing, “One hundred percent of survivors can heal.” She explains that “with proper conditions— light, air, warmth, food, and water— plants grow. Survivors are the same way. When their desire to heal is met with information, skilled support, and a safe environment, they begin to grow in ways they never dreamed possible. The sad thing is that not all survivors have access to these conditions. Many are still being abused, don’t have access to information and support, and are still terribly isolated. Some have tried to get help only to be re-abused by the people who were supposed to be there to help them. Others don’t want to change or don’t believe they can.” (Davis, Allies in Healing, p.26).
The decision to begin the process of healing is often a difficult one. Part of the fear of dealing with healing is that the actual process is an all-consuming ordeal. But for most survivors, beginning the healing process is preferable to living in a state of pain, anger and hurt.
Steps in Healing
This list describes some of the steps that survivors of child sexual abuse may go through in making their journey toward healing. Please remember that each survivor’s experience in healing is different— there is no right or wrong way to heal from abuse.
- The decision to heal— Once the survivor recognizes the effects of sexual abuse in their life, they need to make an active commitment to heal. Deep healing happens only when they choose it and are willing to change themselves.
- The emergency stage— Beginning to deal with memories and suppressed feelings can throw a survivor’s life into utter turmoil. Remember this is only a stage and will not last forever.
- Remembering – Many survivors suppress all memories of what happened to them as children. Those who do not forget the actual incidents often forget how it felt at the time. Remembering is the process of getting back both memory and feeling.
- Believing it happened— Survivors often doubt their own perceptions. Coming to believe that the abuse really happened, and that it really hurt, is a vital part of the healing process.
- Breaking silence— Most adult survivors kept the abuse a secret in childhood. Telling another human being about what happened is a powerful healing force that can dispel the shame of being a victim.
- Understanding that it wasn’t their fault— Children usually believe the abuse is their fault. Adult survivors must place the blame where it belongs— directly on the shoulders of the abuser.
- Making contact with the child within— Many survivors have lost touch with their own vulnerability. Getting in touch with the child within can help you feel compassion for yourself, more anger at your abuser, and greater intimacy with others.
- Trusting yourself— The best guide for healing is your own inner voice. Learning to trust your own perceptions, feelings, and intuitions form a new basis for action in the world.
- Grieving and mourning— As children being abused, and later as adults struggling to survive, most survivors haven’t felt their losses. Grieving is a way to honor your pain, let go, and move into the present.
- Anger— The backbone of healing: anger is a powerful and liberating force. Whether you need to get in touch with it or have always had plenty to spare, directing your rage squarely at your abuser(s) and at those who didn’t protect you is pivotal in healing.
- Disclosure and confrontation— Directly confronting your abuser and/or his family is not good for every survivor, but can be a dramatic cleansing tool.
- Forgiveness— Forgiveness of the abuser is not an essential part of the healing process, although it tends to be the one most recommended. The only essential forgiveness is for the survivor themselves.
- Spirituality— Having a sense of power great than oneself can be a real asset in the healing process. Spirituality is a uniquely personal experience. A survivor may find it through traditional religion, meditation, nature, or a support group.
- Resolution and moving on— As the survivor moves through these stages again and again, they will reach a point of integration. The survivor’s feelings and perspectives will stabilize. They will come to terms with their abuser and family members. While the survivor won’t be able to erase their history, they will make deep and lasting changes in their life. Having gained awareness, compassion, and power through healing, they will have the opportunity to work toward a better world.
